im angry. so what.

isang milestone ang araw na ito sa buhay ko.
kaya sa lahat ng taong nakausap ko ngaun, salamat.

kakaiba talaga ang takbo ng araw ko.
parang hindi kay anna lee.

isa akong banta sa seguridad sa mga oras na ito
dahil kung anu-ano ang pumapasok sa isip ko.
pero wag kaung mag-alalala,
tungkol lang 'to sa sarili ko.
(wag kaung magfeeling ah! hehehe)

________________________________
when you are chained,
the only way to achieve
freedom is to accept---
accept that you have no choice
but stay there (and be hurt).
________________________________

maingay sa utak ko ngaun,
di ko maintindihan!
hmmm..masyado ko atang dinama ang
"anna lee" na song ng dream theater.
u know, "wer do u belong, anna lee"

hahahahahaha..weird weird weird! weird ako.. wag nio kong masyadong pansinin!
actually walang connection ng pagiging milestone ng araw na to sa pagiging weird ko.

hayyy..stop this nonsense! wag nio na lang i-comprehend. bilhan nio na lang ako ng colored pencils (faber castell ah!)!!

first of all, im sorry for being smarter than what you think i am capable of. dapat nag-hi ka rin sa akin leo at hindi lang kay lorine. you know what, i think this is really full of crap. you know, this..this thing. basta! whatever this is called. we are all full of ourselves. maybe blogs are to blame. why? because instantly, we have something to air our insecurities and self-inflicted horrors. we now think that everything should be understood because we already said it. yaaaack..baka that was just in my case. never mind.
i am proud to say that i have a full grasp on what is happening with us. hahahaha..we are growing apart. we have allowed ourselves to grow beyond what is normal, beyond what we can all share. we have grown to the extent that our personalities are so far from what was known. the result: each of us think that we are misunderstood. am i right?

nakakatawa na lang talaga.

let us not fool ourselves. let us not cling onto something so slippery. mapapagod lang tayo because eventually, dudulas rin tayo palayo sa isa't isa. i hate awkward moments you know. if being too frank is my flaw, papanindigan ko na. buwagin na lang natin kasi sobrang walang kwenta naman. naglolokohan na lang tayo.

i dont hate anyone. ayoko lang talaga na nahihirapan tayo sa pagkukunwari, sa pagkukubli ng tunay nating nararamdaman. i cant afford to fake a smile anymore everytime you try to give me clues that you are not happy with everything this group used to offer.

pinaparusahan lang natin ang ating mga sarili. pwede pa rin naman tayong maging friends pero wala na nga lang ang social responsibility na umatend sa mga meetings, sa mga outings, sa mga parties. hindi na rin tayo responsible na magsabihan sa isa't isa ng mga bagay bagay. im sure hindi naman tayo malulungkot dahil may iba't iba naman tayong friends. hindi naman tayo mga loosers di ba? are you enticed by the idea? ansaya nun noh? grabe..

i am just fulfilling my secretarial duties here. i am just airing each of our inner screams. siguro kahit unconsciously, pagod na rin talaga kau sa HASSLE na binibigay ng three letters na yon.

ako, sa sarili ko, ayokong buwagin ito. nasisiyahan talaga ako. pero kapag naaalala ko na may mga tao rin na nahihirapan at parang ayaw na rin naman, e di sige. fine.

let's buwag HIV yehey! ansaya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya saya

or

or we can talk about this. we can pack as many tissues as we can and all go somewhere we can talk and settle our differences. and there, on that place, we can share everything we have kept within ourselves because we used to be afraid that others wont accept them. there, we can talk about all our insecurities with each other, lahat ng inis natin ilalabas. tapos nun, we will go out of that place knowing that no matter how much we grow while we are apart, we can still be sure that when we meet again, we will still be understood. and that next time that we meet again, yun ay HIV summer outing 2006 na!

pili na!


signed by,
anna lee gonzales
HIV Secretary

closed na pla! hehehe..
P.S. i will be waiting for your choices.

uyyy...sorry. ah ganun ba? may closely-related person na kapareho ang "former" blogskin ko? hmm..nakkahiya..ndi ko alam eh! sorry! ok ill opt for something na khi tmay kapareho eh aus lang kasi blogger naman ang may bigay... nakakatamad! anyone who would like to volunteer na gagawa ng blogskin for me???? c'mon!

mababait naman kau eh..

please?

i am planning a seclusion. but...newsflash! daaah... i am afraid to do it.

i am scared to death and angry and clueless. i am once again standing on a liquid floor. but it's not placid this time. waves are bugging me. and this is all because of you. yes..you! you dont know you are you... but believe me, you are.

no one may ever get my point. not even me. ahhh! im talking trash once again.


why do you make me so angry?

you make me feel unsure. you make me feel. whoa! numb nights are done. finally.



bullshit.
that's my favorite word now.


back to me..


i mean to you.

you make me feel like im in love. but heck! i am not. so far from being in love...but you give me emotional bursts. you give me uncertainty. you posses me. you evil!

lalalala..nonsense.


dont talk to me right now. im fragile.




suddenly, i wanted to shut up.
back to my feared seclusion.
this is for my attempt not to be influenced by anyone.
so dont talk to me ok?!
get that?!
just dont.

there she is...central park daw yan..

ang masasabi ko lang...

ganda ng coat ni lase!!!

i am consumed by my selfishness.

i write pages and pages of nonsense stuffs about myself. what am i thinking?




hmm...that someday, people would be interested about me?
('cause for the mean time, they are not.)

logic is the act of complicating things so that one can appear intelligent.

hayy..so boring my tuesdays and fridays, 1-2:30pm. bukod sa pervert na ang prof na asa harapan mo..........may worse pa ba dun?tapos, drippin' wet pa on all noticeable places. aynaku! such an eye sore! kaya nga sa bintana na lang ako tumatabi para in case hindi ko na matiis, sa puno ng niyog na lang ako tutunganga.. dapat tlaga bearable pa ang philo11 classes dahil andun si RFE, pero mula nung last failed attempt ko to know his name na parang naistorbo ko siya at di man lang ngumiti, eh...natakot na ako sa kanya! nakakatakot kasi talagang tumingin..creepy! he's so mysterious! para siyang mumu..awooooooo.. (parang walang kuneksyon pinagsasasabi ko!)


--------

joke lang 'to pero i still want people to know... i want to be considered an artist. haha...alam ko wala akong karapatan pero gusto ko talaga eh!

you see, i don't want to know more about this world we live in. i don't even want to understand it further. because as i see it, this place i am existing will never be good enough for me. there are so many anomalies, deception, corruption, and the likes. i want to craft my own perfect world. of course, anybody can do that. that is the reason why we have taong grasas, mental patients, people we call lunatics...

to be an artist means to be free to generate a world of your liking without being robbed off your right to sanity. they can create the most disturbing painting and still sell it for thousands...they are recognized, hailed, never judged.

to be an artist is the most liberating thing for me.of course, that is my own opinion, my own want and my own dream. i won't say this is my passion because that is too strong a word to describe it. besides, i am still young to conclude upon that thing.

things can change over time.

before, i used to dream of being a writer. i also found freedom in it. but after meeting (ehem..) a pack of detractors and learning the sad fact that writing accounts for responsibility, i somehow lost a part of my desire to share my works to anyone. but i am still threading words and sewing paragraphs for my own satisfaction because i find it so therapeutic. it's like i posses a pensieve inside my own room.
_________
may business file si papa entitled "how to get the best out of life"...

hmm..question, is life something we make as we grow or is it some kind of a template laid out for us to fill in?

is life a science? a systematized body of stuffs?
is life an art? a creation through the many medium given to us?

do we get the best out of life?
or


do we make life out of our best?

___________


i have this principle in mind:

the best things (in life) are free.


kanina, nakita ko si guy-A (somebody i used to be interested with pero not interested enough) with a girl. nakasalubong ko lang naman.

flashback.dati tuwing nagkakasalubong kami, he used to pay attention.

pero kanina, he pretended not to pay attention! haha! kay feeling ko! pero basta! hayaan na akong mag-imagine..

nasabi ko nalang sa sarili ko:

"how sad........... for him. hindi na siya kasama sa listahan ko ng best
things.."

_________________

walang gustong sumagot sa tanong ng prof ko tas tinawag niya yung isang girl:
"you, are you raising your eyebrows?"
haha..katuwang hirit!
________________


kaarawan ke kanung bata nang kristah..pakaligaya kayu ne? maluwat ya pang apulung banwa para manena yang lalaking karagul a buntuk..kaya para keka u-boy, pakaba ka bie!!

// posted by hello there @ 7:27 AM 0 comments

dahil sa ice skating, i learned that:

"two hands are better than one."

hayy.. nakakatrauma ang pilay na ito. imagine, hindi ako nagutom kasi all i felt was the "stiffneck" that has grown on the wrong part of the patch.i look so glamorous now because i used my silver scarf to support my right arm.feeling ko, ako si ma'am stat! haha..

bukod pala sa lessons from my injury, i mean, from one of my injuries, nakakilala rin ako ng isang friend. her name was kathlene. sobrang bata niya pa at first time rin niya (tulad ko, at ni ruth, at ni lorine rin ata) pero siya pa mismo ang nag-offer na i-guide ako! nakakahiya pero amazing kasi ambait niya. siguro she's 9-10 years old.

another lesson learned-- wag ittry hawakan ang freshly grown paltos to check kung masakit...chances are..napakasakit!

amazing...andami kong natutunan sa loob ng one hour ng pag-iice skating...









so dami..





except ang mismong pag-iice skating

yeah..that's life.

naiintindihan ko nang maige kung bakit nagkabukol si dean.

i stare blankly in front of the monitor thinking of something to write. there are a lot of things going on my head right now, a lot of people i am missing right now, a lot of school works i am ought to do right now, a lot of letter keys i am pressing right now. yet the most dominant thought in my head stays unspoken.

it's like halloween all over again.

i keep on commemorating the dead, unmindful of the the epitaph that was meant to encourage me not to mourn about such loss.

indeed,heaven is a place where eternal joy can be found. and heaven prime (heaven') is where i am-- where happiness can't be found eternally. the dead goes to heaven and i stay here. and even if this isn't hell,i am sure this is just either the prequel or the sequel of it.

if there will be a corresponding ghost for every loss i had experienced, i would have a legion of them. i want them to make me strong instead of making me a coward. i want to lead this army into heaven's gate (amazing twins ba itu?!)-- somewhere i can be dead. somewhere i can be happy forever.

but for now, i will just dream about this legion on my sleep and will fear about it on my waking hours.

habang hinihintay kong pumiyok si champ habang kumakanta siya ng the day you said goodnight sa airing ng myx mo, i was once again struck by the lyrics: She's already taken (2x) she's already taken me.. (so much of a destiny.. si champ pa talaga kumakanta!)
naisip ko, oo nga. pero parang baligtad. ako kasi, he took my attention first then suddenly...(if you can call a month -suddenly) he became taken. how sad for me di ba?
pero ayos lang. i always tell myself, it was just a feeble crush with an almost stranger. but...ganun nga lang ba talaga yun?
ansarap i-quote sa diary ko yung mga statements ko na sobrang i found him so ideal. i found him so perfect, like he was the one i could really like a lot and someday, if i would be given the chance to know him better, i could even...who knows? (hehe...takas lang. i dont want to say love. but i said it anyway...).
pero yun nga, i was not given the chance. for the chance i was referring to melted away through the icy journey of my pursuit for this ideal guy.
it was icy and cold. i was so frustrated because i wanted to make him see how companionable we were. then, I was hurt because not only i was wrong about us being compatible, but i also failed on making him see me. double-dead ang babaeng stalker named anna li.
sabi nga ni kate mas malakas daw ang tama ko sa kanya kaysa kay RFE. naisip ko, oo nga. ayaw ko na rin kasing magkamali sa pagsasabing ideal man ang isang lalaki. tsaka siguro....








hinihintay ko pa silang magbreak..








tagal!hihihihi...