Saturday, October 22, 2005
drama
people cry because of the same reasons they smile.
it hurts to be happy.
it's so ironic to live.
why do we always have to differentiate things?
why do we always have to ask why when we figured something out?
why do we ask questions when we don't want to get answers?
it was not ordinary to get on a bus with fifteen people headed to a place with its name i only know about. an afternoon, a night, a morning, a midday- i spent those on that place. i really don't want to give so much attention to the trip but it's so hard to resist the temptation to have another dramatic entry. it's so hard to resist the temptation to sensationalize what i experienced for myself- the only person i can really speak for out of the sixteen who got on the bus.
like every HIV event i went to, the monte vista experience was overwhelming. i had no time to think about the experience. or maybe, i didn't want to think. i just wanted to experience a lot, to overwhelm myself so that i can also think about a lot later.
i can't decide what to say next.
there was nothing so memorable about the trip. there was nothing that can make me want to repeat the experience. but... there were a lot of things that made me pour out. lying on the floor, a pillow on my head, facing the wall, i cried. i thought i was so pathetic. i thought i was stupid. i thought i was a martyr. i thought i was so submissive. i thought i was incomplete. i thought i really really really wanted to be happy. i thought i was so afraid. i thought i was unloved. i thought i was nauseously selfless. i thought i lost a lot. i thought i missed many things in my life. i thought i wanted everything but i just chose to have nothing because i am afriad of losing.
the thoughts went on and on until i cannot breathe because my nose was already clogged. i only stopped thinking when i thought my breathing was so noisy that it can woke the other thirteen people on the kamalig. (leo slept outside, caloi was awake all night)
whatever.
the next morning, we had a sinful but great breakfast. maybe i was just hungry that's why i had an elaborately dramatic night. or maybe... i was empty.
whatever again.
i want to play volleyball and basketball again!
those were the most memorable parts of the trip for me. away from the "kurimaws". away from the sentimental thoughts that ruined the don't-think rule. away from feeling alone because i have the three of my closest friends near me. i felt safe and free from everything i wanted to be away from.
stop this nonsense.
i don't want...err... i dont want to tell more but i want to tell something. i can't get it out of me.
just..
whatever again and again.
it hurts to be happy.
it's so ironic to live.
why do we always have to differentiate things?
why do we always have to ask why when we figured something out?
why do we ask questions when we don't want to get answers?
it was not ordinary to get on a bus with fifteen people headed to a place with its name i only know about. an afternoon, a night, a morning, a midday- i spent those on that place. i really don't want to give so much attention to the trip but it's so hard to resist the temptation to have another dramatic entry. it's so hard to resist the temptation to sensationalize what i experienced for myself- the only person i can really speak for out of the sixteen who got on the bus.
like every HIV event i went to, the monte vista experience was overwhelming. i had no time to think about the experience. or maybe, i didn't want to think. i just wanted to experience a lot, to overwhelm myself so that i can also think about a lot later.
i can't decide what to say next.
there was nothing so memorable about the trip. there was nothing that can make me want to repeat the experience. but... there were a lot of things that made me pour out. lying on the floor, a pillow on my head, facing the wall, i cried. i thought i was so pathetic. i thought i was stupid. i thought i was a martyr. i thought i was so submissive. i thought i was incomplete. i thought i really really really wanted to be happy. i thought i was so afraid. i thought i was unloved. i thought i was nauseously selfless. i thought i lost a lot. i thought i missed many things in my life. i thought i wanted everything but i just chose to have nothing because i am afriad of losing.
the thoughts went on and on until i cannot breathe because my nose was already clogged. i only stopped thinking when i thought my breathing was so noisy that it can woke the other thirteen people on the kamalig. (leo slept outside, caloi was awake all night)
whatever.
the next morning, we had a sinful but great breakfast. maybe i was just hungry that's why i had an elaborately dramatic night. or maybe... i was empty.
whatever again.
i want to play volleyball and basketball again!
those were the most memorable parts of the trip for me. away from the "kurimaws". away from the sentimental thoughts that ruined the don't-think rule. away from feeling alone because i have the three of my closest friends near me. i felt safe and free from everything i wanted to be away from.
stop this nonsense.
i don't want...err... i dont want to tell more but i want to tell something. i can't get it out of me.
just..
whatever again and again.
// posted by hello there @ 10:54 PM 
