im angry. so what.

dati i recieved this quote that says:

there can never be a better cure for a broken heart than to love again... or
sumthin like that. nakalimutan ko na yung exact words eh..

una pa lang i totally agreed with the point. kaya nga i have a diary entry i
entitled the many faces of my defense mechanisms (post war editions) eh..

"in my complex life of faliing in [and out of] love, i have developed defense
mechanisms that saved me from feeling a lot of the side effects."

basta, mga mini-crushes ko un..

hmmm.. now i have a theory why only falling in love again can make one
forget about the past flame.

minsan kasi, we were so happy when we are with the person we loved na
kahit we are actually over him, nabubulag tayo ng mga memories. this happy
facade of a life with that person makes us in love, not with the person but
instead, with the idea of being in love with him. sino nga naman ang ayaw ng
kilig moments at rare encounters, di ba?

parang we are caught in the middle of letting go kasi it's over and of wanting
to get back because it was happy. unfortunately, mas madalas nating pinipili
ang huli kaya nagkakaroon tayo ng stages of depression and feeling lost kasi
narerealize natin gradually na being happy again with that person is already
impossible.

natutuldukan lang ang in-love-with-love syndrome when we find another
person that can possibly bring back the happiness we once felt and the
happiness that we can never feel again with the old one.

hayy.. but love is a never-ending quest. kaya nga, kapag nagmahal tayo ulit,
we seldom compare the new with the old. aun nga sa isa ulit quote:

"sino ba ang mas matimbang, yung bago na minamahal ka ng sapat o yung dati na
hanggang ngayon ay walang katapat?" (di yan ang exact words ah...)

kaya nga din, during the earlier stages of relationship eh nagkakaroon ng
doubts kung mahal mo ba ang isang tao o panakip-butas lang xa... i think
normally, ang nangyayari ay pareho. panakip-butas dahil we need someone to
bring the color back into our lives. tpos mahal mo xa kasi of all people, you
chose him bring back that color. it's up to how passionate you are on the
relationship kung makakamove-on ba kayo from that stage to the stage
wherein you are really sure na you love that person because of who he is and
because of what he does for you.

mushy naman...parang ang-expert ko ah! weh anna li..

nakakainis!

malassssss talaga! nabura halos lahat ng bday greetings sa akin.. bago nangyari
yon ansaya ko pa kasi iniscroll down ko gang dun sa unang nggrit sa akin
(teka..sino nga pla unang nggrit sa akin ng sakto?? inde kasi counted si
angeline kasi midnyt b4 28 niya aq ginreet eh! excited!) tas aba! 38th message
xa... wow! andaming nggrit sa akin! parang isang section na un ah!
epal talga...

malay ko ba naman kasing once na tinanggal mo ang battery ng fone ko eh
mawawala ang fone memory nia...MALAY KO BA!?!

BAKIT KO BA NAMAN KASI TINANGGAL ANG BATTERY?!

hmm.. kasi i was desperately hoping for someone to greet me (hindi si neo
ah!). i was not disappointed kasi in the first place, lam ko namang there was
no way that he can greet me. but still, i took a chance na bka dun xa sa dati
kong number ngtext... so un... nilagay ko sa fone q ung dati kong sun.. and
POOF! GONE!

at ang sad pa kasi... hindi naman nia ako ginreet dun sa dati kong number..
hayy... malasss...

lesson learned?quit taking chances on the past! it's not worth losing what you have now for
something that you have already chosen to let go of. in the first place, sino
bang bumitaw? ako naman eh...

(tsaka epal pla ung taong un! nkakainis talaga! minsan iniisip ko di ko lang xa maintindihan pero xa na mismo ng-aafirm na errrrr... NAKAKABUYSIT xa!)

hayy..napakahypocrite ko. samantalang i am eyeing someone from my past to
be "desirable enough" now! hehe.. aus lang yan! that's life!

HAPPY BDAY TO ME NA LANG...

kakagaling ko lang sa past 2 schools ko. first stop was my elem school. grabe,
lampas 4 na taon na akong hindi napapadpad dun! well, wala ngang
pinagbago eh... adiik pa rin sila sa pagdadasal! tpos, andun pa rin ung mga
iniwan kong teachers.. pero this time, i saw them on a different light. kung
mag-usap kami parang adult to adult na.. not to mention "mature" topics na
ang pinag-usapan namin... teka... basta rated x! bwahaha.. i never imagined
talking to my past mentors like that. honestly, nagulat ako sa mga sinasabi nila!
one of the reasons why i went there ay yung teacher ko na lagi akong
pinagiinitan! hayyy... lagi kong jinojoke yon dahil tinutukso sa akin yung
isa sa mga crush niya! grabe, one time nag-uusap kami nung classmate ko na
yon habang period niya tas bigla ba naman kaming sinigawan in front of the
class: "HOYY! kung balak niong magligawan, dun kau sa labas!" hahaha.. hindi
na siguro niya kinaya ang selos! joke! ang yabang ko naman! hehehe..
nakakatawa kasi talga!

dati naman nung may group activity tas unang natapos yung group namin,
nkipagchikahan kami sa kanya. bigla ba namang sinabi na: "naku yang mga
crush na yan, hindi pa totoo yan! wag kaung bibigay jan.. PUPPY LOVE lang
yan.." wahahha... sabi ko nun sa sarili ko.. weh! selos ka lang.. (later, i found
out it was true..pucha! the hard and painful way pa.. pero i stil believe na
selos din tlga xa! kulit ko!)

nga pala.. lalaki yung teacher ko na yun ah...

nung bumalik ako, aba! grabe! nagladlad talga xa sa amin! sabi nia wala na
daw gwapong gr6 ngaun di tulad nung batch namin! tapos may 2 daw
bagong teacher na "pa-min"-- as in pa-men. kya raw ang tawag niya sa 2 yun
ay "paminta" at "girlaloo"! hayyy... grabe!

ahhh basta! andaming nangyari... pati yung mga guard at janitors eh
nakachikahan ko! ambabait pa rin nila..haha! mga inglesero pa! tsaka yung
mga iba ko ding teachers ay napakasayang kachikahan! yung isa nga sa mga
fave ko eh binulungan ako. dapat daw pagbalik ko dun, may boyfriend na
ako! waaahh!

hayy.. it was so worth it! sana dati ko pa ginawa ang pagbalik doon..
nakakamiss..parang isang malaking pamilya ang mater! lalo na this time that
my teachers need not put masks just to discipline us..ansaya talaga!

So if you find me far away off in my little world, do not be alarmed, I am closer to you than you think. It`s just that little girl in me beckoning my return to that familiar place where my heart is most open, although I may seem so closed. In fact it is just the opposite, because in these moments of solitude I am closest to you, as silent as I may be,
find solace in knowing there are volumes of your story inscribed upon my heart.

--------------

"I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room,
safe within my womb.
I touch no one
and no one touches me."

---------------

galing yan sa isang friendster blog that i found while suffering the pointless periods of waiting for the connection to get better..check nio.. asteg..

escapeartist basta un ang nick nia sa sarili nia.. kakakita ko lang ng pic nia.. ganda nia pala..
hayy.. lesbian-sounding! hehe.. basta idol.. i can totally relate with her writer-instances...

stares can mean a lot of things. they mean a lot for me.

stares are the closest thing to do when you cannot hold someone near to your heart.

it is the hug of a love story that was not. it is the kiss of a love that has chosen to let go. it is the "i love you" of an unspoken, gruelling, exhausting, emptying, unrequitted love.

and then... the glance.
the glance is the most hurting reply to a stare. it says, "i want to but i can't. so just stare at me. you can love me but i cannot love you back because of several reasons. reasons that somehow, love cannot defy. maybe this love isn't that strong. just stare. i'll glance if i can. i'll glance when no one's watching. i'll glance... but that's all i can do."

it hurts to stare and glance.

so why stare and glance when you can just close your eyes and try to bury the pain in the dark?





...because of the only reasons that love can defy.

people cry because of the same reasons they smile.
it hurts to be happy.
it's so ironic to live.
why do we always have to differentiate things?
why do we always have to ask why when we figured something out?
why do we ask questions when we don't want to get answers?

it was not ordinary to get on a bus with fifteen people headed to a place with its name i only know about. an afternoon, a night, a morning, a midday- i spent those on that place. i really don't want to give so much attention to the trip but it's so hard to resist the temptation to have another dramatic entry. it's so hard to resist the temptation to sensationalize what i experienced for myself- the only person i can really speak for out of the sixteen who got on the bus.

like every HIV event i went to, the monte vista experience was overwhelming. i had no time to think about the experience. or maybe, i didn't want to think. i just wanted to experience a lot, to overwhelm myself so that i can also think about a lot later.

i can't decide what to say next.

there was nothing so memorable about the trip. there was nothing that can make me want to repeat the experience. but... there were a lot of things that made me pour out. lying on the floor, a pillow on my head, facing the wall, i cried. i thought i was so pathetic. i thought i was stupid. i thought i was a martyr. i thought i was so submissive. i thought i was incomplete. i thought i really really really wanted to be happy. i thought i was so afraid. i thought i was unloved. i thought i was nauseously selfless. i thought i lost a lot. i thought i missed many things in my life. i thought i wanted everything but i just chose to have nothing because i am afriad of losing.

the thoughts went on and on until i cannot breathe because my nose was already clogged. i only stopped thinking when i thought my breathing was so noisy that it can woke the other thirteen people on the kamalig. (leo slept outside, caloi was awake all night)

whatever.

the next morning, we had a sinful but great breakfast. maybe i was just hungry that's why i had an elaborately dramatic night. or maybe... i was empty.

whatever again.


i want to play volleyball and basketball again!
those were the most memorable parts of the trip for me. away from the "kurimaws". away from the sentimental thoughts that ruined the don't-think rule. away from feeling alone because i have the three of my closest friends near me. i felt safe and free from everything i wanted to be away from.

stop this nonsense.
i don't want...err... i dont want to tell more but i want to tell something. i can't get it out of me.

just..
whatever again and again.

hmm..kakatpos lang ng chun hyang..nakakainis! medyo nadidisappoint na ako sa istorya! medyo nagiging masalimuot na kasi ang istorya. hayy.. amboring na naman ng buhay ko ngaun. umiikot lang sa tv..sana matuloy ang montevista outing.. siguro pag nangyari yon, dun ako sasaya!

kanina nung asa sm ako, naisip kong magpasaya sa bday ko.. punta ako sa sm ng sobrang aga tpos maghuhulog ako sa exceed2 ng 10 credits tas iiwan ko na! bahala na kung sino ang maglalaro..hehe.. pero thought lang yan ah!

basta! babawiin ko na sinabi ko.. naeexcite na rin pala ako sa bday ko.. pero hindi dahil "special" ako sa araw na yon pero dahil isa siyang excuse para gumawa ng something stupid/weird or whatever na hindi ko gagawin sa 364.25 days ng taon.. hihi..(wicked thoughts are rushing in my head right now...)

hmm..kakatpos lang ng chun hyang..nakakainis! medyo nadidisappoint na ako sa istorya! medyo nagiging masalimuot na kasi ang istorya. hayy.. amboring na naman ng buhay ko ngaun. umiikot lang sa tv..sana matuloy ang montevista outing.. siguro pag nangyari yon, dun ako sasaya!

kanina nung asa sm ako, naisip kong magpasaya sa bday ko.. punta ako sa sm ng sobrang aga tpos maghuhulog ako sa exceed2 ng 10 credits tas iiwan ko na! bahala na kung sino ang maglalaro..hehe.. pero thought lang yan ah!

basta! babawiin ko na sinabi ko.. naeexcite na rin pala ako sa bday ko.. pero hindi dahil "special" ako sa araw na yon pero dahil isa siyang excuse para gumawa ng something stupid/weird or whatever na hindi ko gagawin sa other 364.25 days ng taon.. hihi..(wicked thoughts are rushing in my head right now...)

epal na october! sana hindi na lang natapos ang september.. kainis talga! halos buong week, yun lang hinintay ko tpos...pucha! wla na..wala na!! wla na talga!! parang pinatikim muna sa akin tpos..tatanggaling din pala.. mawawala din! lintik! arrrrr!

IBALIK NIO ANG SEX AND THE CITY!!

iniisip ko pa naman na ok lang na 2 straight days na akong umiiyak dahil sa chun hyang kasi matutuwa at may matututunan naman ako sa sex and the city..tpos..arr..wala na pala! ansakit.. nararamdaman ko na ang feeling ni miranda nung hindi nia mapanood yung jules and mimi.. kaso buti xa may teevo (tma ba ispelling?).. sa bgay, khit may teevo ako, useless din!

hmm..malapit na bday ko..
but i'm not consumed by the idea.

birthdays are just useless. lalo lang nakakalungkot kpag malungkot ka sa bday mo kasi dpat nga masaya pero malungkot ka..na inspite of the fact na lhat ng tao sinasabihan ka ng hapi bday, sad pa rin..ansakit nun!

masaya lang ang bday kpag naramdaman mong importante ka pla sa isang tao ng akala mo'y binabasura ka lang.. masaya lang ang bday kung may dvd ng sex and the city tpos popcorn na mainit tpos nag-iisa sa living room ktapat ng malaking tv tpos dvd nman ng chun hyang..tpos mgddiary tpos mag-iimagine! pero naisip ko, khit hindi nman bday posible yun..

wala naman talagang significance ang "bday"..kalokohan lang ng mga taong masasaya yan!